#ive been living here for over a year nd yet its like... i still feel like an intruder
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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?
Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day
thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!
this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol
firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.
“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.
i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!
the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.
you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.
to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.
No One To Change But Self
There is Nothing to Forgive
How to Sit with Your Triggers
give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖
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I recently came across a bunch of press articles and photos about Oscar Isaac that are so old, they appear to be out-of-print and pre-date social media. Considering they were probably never digitally transcribed for internet access, I’m guessing that the majority of current fans have never seen this stuff.
Even though a lot of these digital scans are challenging to read because they are the original fuzzy news print, I think there some gems worth sharing with you guys. Over the next several weeks, I will transcribe and share those gems on this page. Hope you enjoy them!
Let’s start with this fantastic 2001 profile piece done before Oscar was accepted into Juilliard:
South Florida’s rising star isn’t just acting the part
By Christine Dolen - [email protected]
February 4, 2001
As fifth-graders at Westminster Christian School in Miami, Oscar Isaac and his classmates were asked to write a story as if they were animals on Noah’s Ark. Oscar turned in a seven-page play – with original music – from the perspective of a platypus. Then he starred in the production his teacher directed.
He hasn’t stopped expressing himself creatively since. Today, Isaac is one of South Florida’s busiest young theater actors, and certainly its hottest. And not just because he’s a slender five-feet nine-inches tall with an expressively handsome face and glistening brown eyes.
Since making his professional debut as a Cuban hustler in Sleepwalkers at Area Stage in July 1999, he has played an explosive Vietnam vet in Private Wars for Horizons Repertory, a pot-smoking slacker in This Is Our Youth at GableStage, another Cuban on the make in Praying With the Enemy at the Coconut Grove Playhouse, the entrancing narrator of Side Man at GableStage, a Havana-based writer in Arrivals and Departures for the new Oye Rep and, most recently, a young Fidel Castro in When It’s Cocktail Time in Cuba at New York’s Cherry Lane Theater.
Beginning Wednesday, he’ll be juggling five roles in City Theatre’s annual Winter Shorts festival, first at the Colony Theatre in Miami Beach, then at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts. But that is not all: During the two weeks he is doing Winter Shorts, he’ll also be playing dates with the punk-ska band The Blinking Underdogs (www.blinkingunderdogs.com), which features him as lead singer, guitarist and songwriter.
Oh, and he just got back from auditioning for New York’s prestigious Juilliard School of Drama.
All this for a guy a month shy of his 22nd birthday.
Sure, you could hate a guy who’s that talented, that charismatic, that transparently ambitious. But the people who have worked with Oscar Isaac don’t. On the contrary, they’re all sure he has it – that magical, can’t-be-taught thing that transforms an actor into a star.
Playwright Eduardo Machado, who put in a good word for Isaac at Juilliard, says “he does have that star quality that makes your eyes go to him. It’s great that someone with that talent still wants to train.”
“He has a star quality that’s rare in a young actor,” adds Joseph Adler, who directed him in Side Man and This Is Our Youth. “Without a doubt I expect to be hearing great things from him.”
‘I JUST LOVE CREATING’
Isaac, who also makes short films, can’t say exactly why he was attracted to acting. He just knows it makes him happier than anything, that it’s what he was meant to do. And he’s been doing it since he was a 4-year-old putting on plays in his family’s backyard with his sister Nicole.
“I just love creating, whether it’s music or films or a character on a stage. I love taking people for a ride,” he says. “In Side Man, every night I would love being that close to the audience. I felt like I was talking to 80 of my closest friends.
“I could feel what the audience was feeling.”
His powerful, mournful-yet-loving monologue near the end of the play, he said, “worked every night. I knew it would get them. I’d hear sniffles.
“But it had less to do with me than with the atmosphere [created by the playwright and director].”
You could understand if Isaac, surrounded as he is by praise and possibility, had an ego as burgeoning as his career. Instead, he channels the positive reinforcement into confidence about his work.
“He has such a charm and an ease onstage, but he’s very modest,” says New York-based actress Judith Delgado, who shared the stage with Isaac in Side Man. “He’s hungry. He’s got moxie. I was blown away by him.
“He saved me a couple of times. I went up [forgot a line] and that baby boy of mine came through. He’s a joy.”
FORGING HIS OWN PATH
The son of a Cuban-American father and a Guatemalan mother, Isaac was never a stellar student. But he found ways of turning routine assignments – like the Noah’s Ark story – into creative challenges.
His science reports were inevitably video documentaries underscored with punk music. He acted through middle and high school, though he had a falling out with his drama teacher at Santaluces Community High in Lantana over his misgivings about a character. When she refused to cast him in anything else, he got his English teacher to let him play the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors his senior year.
His skepticism about authority and love of playing the devil’s advocate have long made him resist doing things the usual way. His post-high school “training” consisted of one semester at Miami-Dade Community College’s South Campus (where he met his girlfriend, Maria Miranda), touring schools playing an abusive character in the Coconut Grove Playhouse’s Breaking the Cycle, and working as a transporter of bodies at Baptist Hospital, where he absorbed the drama of people in emotionally intense situations.
“It was the most magnificent dramatic institute I could’ve attended,” Isaac said. “I was able to observe the entire spectrum of human emotion, people under the most extreme duress. I was mesmerized watching the way people interacted with each other in such heightened situations.
“I learned everything about the human condition, and it was real and harsh and brutally honest.”
Yet even given his propensity for forging his own path, something nudged him another direction while he was in New York making his Off-Broadway debut in December. Walking by Juilliard one day, he impulsively went in to ask for an application. Though the application deadline had passed, Isaac persuaded Juilliard to accept his, noting in his application essay that most of the exceptional actors he admires had acquired “a brutally efficient technique” to enhance their talent by studying at places like Juilliard.
Though he won’t know whether he has been accepted until the end of this month, his audition last weekend went well, he says. He did monologues from Henry IV, Part I and Dancing at Lughnasa, adjusting his Shakespearean Hotspur to a more fiery temperature at the suggestion of Michael Kahn, head of Juilliard’s acting program – though not without arguing that Hotspur wouldn’t be speaking to the king that way.
Isaac, not surprisingly, loves a good debate.
Adler, GableStage’s artistic director and a man who is as liberal as Isaac once was conservative, savored the verbal jousting they did during rehearsals for Side Man.
“He knows exactly how to pull my chain,” Adler says with a laugh. “Intelligence is the cornerstone of all great actors, and he’s bright as hell.
“He has relentless ambition but with so much charm. He’s very hard to say no to. He has incredible raw talent and magnetism that is very rare in a young actor along with relentless energy, perseverance and ambition. I see his growth both onstage and off. He’s mature in both places.”
Part of his growth, of course, will necessarily involve dealing with the rejections that are part of any actor’s life. His career is still too new, his string of successes solid, so it’s anyone’s guess how failure will shape him. But director Michael John Garcés, who picked him for When It’s Cocktail Time in Cuba after Isaac flew to New York at his own expense to compete with a pool of seasoned Manhattan actors for the role, believes his character will see him through.
“Oscar is realistic, but he’s so willing to go the whole nine yards,” Garcés says. “He didn’t go out when he was in the show here. His focus earned the respect of the other actors, some of whom have been working in New York for 30 years.
“He hasn’t had a lot of blows yet, when the career knocks the wind out of you. But he has talent, determination and focus, and if he has perseverance – my intuition is that he does have it – he could achieve a lot.”
FAMILY TIES
His father and namesake, Baptist Hospital intensive-care physician Oscar Isaac Hernandez, couldn’t be more proud. (Isaac doesn’t use the family surname in order to avoid, in his words, being “put in that Hispanic actor box.”)
“I’m ecstatic that he’s probably going to be going to the most prestigious drama school in the United States,” he says. “School will help him focus his energies and give him discipline. He’s got the raw material and the drive.”
Isaac’s mother, Maria, divorced from his father since 1992, is a kidney-transplant recipient who acknowledges that she’ll miss her son if he moves to New York. But, she adds, she wants him “to live out his dreams. He amazes me every day. He calls me every day. I’m very proud of him.”
Even the other guys in The Blinking Underdogs are fans of Isaac’s acting, though it could take him away from South Florida just as the band appears to be, Isaac says, on the brink of signing a recording deal (it has already put out its own CD, The Last Word, with songs, lead vocals and even cover photography by Isaac.
“Oscar’s the leader of the band, a great musician who amazes me and motivates us,” says sax player Keith Cooper. “I’ve been to see every one of his plays. He’s a phenomenal actor.
“I completely buy into his role in every play. As close as I am to him, I forget it’s Oscar.”
His South Florida theater colleagues credit that to Isaac’s insatiable desire to learn and grow.
Gail Garrisan, who is directing him in Donnie and One of the Great Ones for Winter Shorts, observes, “It’s not often that you find a young actor who is willing to listen and who doesn’t think he knows everything. He loves the work.
“He really brought the young man in Side Man to life. When I saw it in New York, it seemed to be the father’s play. When I saw it here, I felt it was his [Isaac’s] play.”
Oye Rep’s John Rodaz, whom Isaac calls “the best director I’ve ever worked with,” gave the actor his first important job in Sleepwalkers at Area Stage. They met when Isaac came to see Area’s production of Oleanna and the actor, knowing Rodaz ran the theater, introduced himself.
“He has so much energy and such a sparkling personality,” Rodaz says. “He knows how to move in the world. He seems to take advantage of every situation in a good way; he’s not a cold, calculating person who’ll stab you in the back.
“[But] he wants it so badly. Everything he does, he’s the leader. When I was 21, I was taking naps.”
Rodaz coached Isaac on his Juilliard monologues and found the experience energizing.
“I got chills just watching him. That happens so rarely. I was so exhilarated when I came home that I just had to go out and run. You just know he’s got all the tools.”
Christine Dolen is The Herald’s theater critic.
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#oscar isaac#vintage#juilliard#blinking underdogs#area stage company#john rodaz#gablestage#when it's cocktail time in cuba#side man#arrivals and departures#this is our youth#praying with the enemy#sleepwalkers#private wars#winter shorts#the miami herald
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Have you ever made a fic rec list you could link me to?? If not what are ur fave fics???
what’s are ur fave klance fics overall?
do you have some nice fluffy klance fic recommendations? pls i need sustenance
ive been putting this off for so long now bcs i never save/bookmark the fics i read nd i can never remember the titles BUT i managed to dig some of them up so!!!!!!! under the cut bcs its kinda long wuwhwuhw
Cut to the Feeling by usernicole
“Let’s do it again,” Keith says breathlessly. “Here and on every planet we come across. Let’s get married on every planet we can.”“Are you joking?” Lance asks, incredulous. “You really want to get married to me on every planet we land on?”“Yes,” Keith says, voice high pitched and shaky with residual adrenaline. “Yes. Every planet. If it feels like this every time, let’s get married ten, twenty, a hundred times.”
“Let’s break records. I want the universe to see us and be jealous.”
Or: Five times Keith and Lance get married, and one time they don’t.
my good bitch. my dude. if u havent read this then PLEASE do urself a favor nd read it asap…. like i shit u not this is probs my all time fave and its just them getting married on every planet nd. its just. idk just rly gives u that warm feeling in ur heart u know……
call me, beep me by orphan_account
(00:31) Do you think she gave me the wrong number on purpose?(00:31) Or was it a genuine mistake?(00:32) Like maybe she writes funny and I misread it?(00:32) Some of the numbers do look a little dodgy…(00:33) Cause, you know, her threes could very easily be poorly formed eights? And maybe she writes her sevens like her ones?(00:45) What(00:46) The(00:46) Fuck???(00:47) Oh good, you are awake!
where lance messages the wrong number and things kind of snowball from there
a classic from the early fandom days, rly popular so yall probs read it already but text fic nd just. yah its cute…..
A Light In The Dark by usernicole
Far away from his friends at the castle, Keith’s only way of communicating with them is a battered old phone. This is maybe going to be harder than he thought.
A long-distance, friends-to-lovers fic, set during season four.
u might not know of this but i am one huge slut for these kind of fics nd all i gtta say is this shit rly changed my goddamn life (i think there r two parts but im not sure if i read the second one so!!)
blue notes by mothpoem
This laughter, here and now, is hushed, and soft as rain, and Lance can feel it against his face, in warm puffs of air. It’s a laugh reminiscent of a furtive secret, like something only Lance is allowed to see. He watches it run its course in the near-pitch black of the observatory, with starlight gleaming weakly against Keith’s pale face, and that’s right about when Lance’s heart gives a few foreboding throbs, heavy on the bass, as if to say, they’re here (they being romantic feelings for Keith Kogane, Lance’s former mortal enemy and current friend).
Oh, he thinks to himself, with sudden and startling clarity. I’m Fucked, capital F.
its not finished nd i havent even read chap 2 yet but its a rly good take on lances pov from all the moments from s1 (also the garrison *eye emoji*) with keith nd. yeah.. its good……
and we dream of home by mothpoem
“Then come see me,” Lance murmurs, and it makes Keith’s heart pound behind his breastbone. “Us, I mean. Once a week or something? Like mental health check-ins. We can just hang out, or…or go on low-priority, low-stress missions? Scouting, or flower-picking for Coran, or supply runs. Dumb stuff. Just…so we know how you are. I don’t want…I mean, we all miss you. And I don’t want to sound presumptuous, but…it feels like you’re not…not okay, Keith.”
Well, Keith thinks, a little weakly. He never really stood a chance, did he?
“Okay,” he says, right away. No fight. No refusal.
His life is a hell of a lot easier when he lets himself cave under all the ways he wants Lance’s luminous attention, and company, and friendship. All the ways he wants Lance, full stop.
another one of those fics set during s4……… once again nothing to add just. please read it…… i loved this…….. sm………………
Moonset Deep by MilkTeaMiku
All his life he’d been told to make sure he was never seen – it was what all the children were taught from the moment they were born. Never let a human see you, never fall in love with a human, and most importantly, never kiss one.
For Lance, humans were a mystery. He’d lived beneath the surface of the ocean with his shoal his entire life, and had intended to remain there. He knew the danger humans posed to his kind, and what would happen if he came close to one. That’s why, when he found one drowning, his first instinct was to save him.
He’d never been good at following the rules anyway.
mer au!! i started reading this a rly long time ago and im on chap 27 i think…. but this ones good…….
can we burn it slow by saltylances/stereostars on tumblr
“Sweet dreams, pilot.” A wink. “Make sure not to drool over me too much.”
Keith thrusts his middle finger over his shoulder as he steps out of the room, but he can’t hold back the smile that kicks up the side of his mouth. When he dares a look back, just before the doors are about to slide shut, he sees Lance kiss his fingertips and blow air over his palms at Keith.
It makes Keith wonder if it’s possible to fall any harder.
In which alternating snapshots between Keith and Lance lead to their eventual relationship.
WUH i love anything saaj writes….. a masterpiece…. also please read ‘so what are you waiting for’ too………..
under your feet the dirt turns to gold by laallomri
“I like you,” Lance says in a rush.
Keith blinks.
“That is—” Lance clears his throat, shifting his weight uncomfortably. His hands are still in his pockets, his shoulders still hunched. “I like you—I like-like you. Like, in a more-than-friends-way like you.”
For a long moment Keith can only stare at him, astonishment and disbelief and cautious delight warring for dominance. And then, because he’s an idiot, because he spent a whole goddamn year in a goddamn shack in the middle of the goddamn desert and has no idea how to be a socially competent person, because he’s Keith, he says, “That was a lot of the word ‘like’ in one sentence.”
In which Keith has about a dozen chances at happiness, and sabotages (nearly) all of them.
yummy……….. this one rly hit the spot my dudes……… i think there r 2 parts too!!
Sweet Quiznak by CheckeredCloth
“You’re really into him,” Hunk mutters, and wow, Lance’s face is on fire. Hunk is killing him.
“Look, read into how you like, Freud, just make sure that if I die Keith knows I totally would’ve mowed his ass like grass. That way, I can laugh hysterically at his emotionally-constipated expression from the afterlife.”
Or: Lance is badly injured and has a few skeletons in his closet. Or maybe just the one.
a classic…. one of the first fics i read so i dont rmmbr much but yeah……
Stormchasing by sinelanguage
This isn’t how Lance intended to spend his vacation, chasing after Keith’s premonitions. But here he is, and he’s one hundred percent blaming Keith for all the trouble they’re about to get into. Keith makes bad decision, Lance makes mistakes, and both of them are stuck together on a space pirate adventure neither of them asked for.
if im not wrong i think this is one of those handcuffed together fics… also rly cute……
we’ll make it, you and me by asexualrey
“Keith, if we make it out of this alive, I’m going to kiss you.“
the description gives it away….. yall know what tf goin on……..
Public Displays of Affection by VaraderoBeach
Lance held his breath. He knew, at this rate, they’d have two options: fight with what they had (which was Keith’s knife and team spirit) and hope they can skirt by with the help of the locals, or submit and become prisoners to the Galra. Neither situation was ideal. Lance looked to Keith, at his eyes and his eye lashes, the curve of his nose and the pink in his lips. He knew it was bad timing, but he really wanted to kiss Keith before whatever happened, happened.
But when Keith turned his body to face him and said, “Kiss me.” With the same amount of emotion one would say, “Hand me that stapler,” it threw Lance completely off guard.
ft that scene from the winter soldier (i think??) yeah…… good food………
something as true as this by astrolesbian
“You better fucking call me,” Lance says, and reaches out to rest a hand on his shoulder, and smiles, sad and bright all at once. “I’m not taking no for an answer on this one. Okay?”
“Okay,” Keith says.
and lastly yall shld know since this is the THIRD TIME im putting a fic like this on this list that i love this shit nd just….. yeah……….. op snapped
#this is long but YAH#also at third anon not all of these r fluff centric so whwjw sorry#Nessa replies#Anonymous#fics#klance
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08/06/2019 DAB Transcript
Ezra 3:1-4:23, 1 Corinthians 2:6-3:4, Psalms 28:1-9, Proverbs 20:24-25
Today is the 6th day of August. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I’m Brian like every day and it's great to be with you like every day here around this global campfire that we call our community as we come in out of whatever and join hearts and minds as we allow God's word to speak to us. This week we’re reading from the God's Word Translation and we’re kind of just getting going in the book of Ezra and in the letter to the Corinthians, Paul's letter known as first Corinthians. So, we’re at the front part of both of those books. And off we go. Today, Ezra 3 verse 1 through 4 verse 23.
Commentary:
Alright. So, yesterday when we were reading from first Corinthians, Paul's started talking about the nonsense of the gospel and we kind of explored that a little bit but as we continue through the letter Paul continues on with his discussion and basically Paul said that God's plan to redeem the world was something that was ancient and had been hidden but was revealed in Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit, but only for people with eyes to see and ears to hear, which is basically what Jesus said throughout His ministry. If we think about this from our own perspective, like from our own human understanding of the world that processes information through five physical senses then what we’re reading doesn't really make any rational sense, that God's plan to redeem the world was ancient and hidden, but was revealed in this person named Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit's but the only people who would be able to find it would be those with eyes to see and ears to hear, right? And most people are like, “I have eyes and I see, and I have ears…”, like it doesn't necessarily make sense. However, once you've felt the truth of it, once something has come awake inside your soul, you can’t see the world any other way, which is like what we said yesterday - incredibly difficult to describe to somebody who doesn't see, who doesn't hear, who doesn't experience the world as a spiritual being. And Paul commented on that. He said, “not one of the rulers of this world has known it. If they had, they wouldn't have crucified the Lord of glory. God has revealed those things to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches everything, especially the deep things of God.” So, for those of us who are mostly rooted in rationalism, which would be me, I need to know how things work, then how do you reconcile this apparent disconnect that happens between our own reason and this awareness that somehow there is a spiritual reality more tangible than anything else in the world? This is what Paul was trying to explain. It’s like not a new question. And, so, here’s what Paul said. “Who knows everything about a person except a person's own spirit? In the same way no one has known everything about God except God's Spirit. We didn't receive the spirit that belongs to the world. Instead, we received the spirit who comes from God so that we could know the things which God is freely given. A person who isn't spiritual doesn't accept the teachings of God's spirit. He thinks they’re nonsense. He can't understand them because a person must be spiritual to evaluate them.” So, basically, according to the apostle Paul, our human mind by itself on its own can't reason the ways of God. We need something more than our own mind. And, so, for Paul there’s only one way to reconcile this and in reconciling this and explaining it he gave us one of the most quoted verses in all of the Bible, “we have the mind of Christ.” So, as we experienced in Paul's letter to the Romans, his writing is highly theological, highly technical, so, you know, we could go intellectual and just try to understand what we’re talking about here today or we can try to boil this down into something that we could live into today and thankfully words, much older than Paul's letter to the Corinthians gives us advice. From the Proverbs today, “the Lord is the one who directs the person's steps. How then can anyone understand his own way?”
Prayer:
Father, as we enter into that, we see that there really is a constant battle between what we believe and what we perceive, and this is simply exposing the line inside of us where we are of the world and where we are not. So, we invite Your Holy Spirit to help us today to see things spiritually and not to see them as something, a problem to figure, but as a way to enjoy life with You. Come Jesus we ask. In Your mighty name we pray. Amen.
Announcements:
dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is the website, it is where your find out what’s happening around here.
And in short weeks, very short weeks from now before this month is up, we will be excitedly hosting the Daily Audio Bible Family Reunion for 2019 here in the rolling hills of Tennessee. And we are looking for to that and you are indeed invited, and I hope you’re coming. I hope you can come here to the beautiful Nashville area and experience the rolling hills for yourself. You can get all of the details at dailyaudiobible.com in the Initiatives section. There is���well…you'll see, Family Reunion 2019 and you’ll click in there and every detail that you would want to know or need to know is in there. While you're in the Initiatives section you may also…well you’ll see the other initiatives but one of them is Israel 2020. And we will be going back to Israel in 2020, although we will not be doing the More Gathering or the Family Reunion in 2020. We’re taking a little bit of a break from such an aggressive pace that we've been keeping for 14 years. Taking a little break. So, we won’t be doing the Family Reunion next year. So, this one is one that we’re really looking forward to kind of hold us over, get enough hugs and enough handshakes and enough conversations and that will hold us over for a little while. So, we’re looking forward to that, but we will be going back to Israel and there are precious few spots left for Israel 2020. So, if that's been on your list, you can look in the Initiatives section where you are already looking at the Family Reunion and you'll see the Israel 2020 and you can get all the details there as well. So, hoping to see as many of you as possible. That is the next couple of things that are coming up.
If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link that lives on the homepage and I thank you with all humility and with all of the heart that I can put into the fewest words possible. Thank you that we are in this together and thank you for your partnership. So, there’s a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.
And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.
And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.
Community Prayer and Praise:
Brian I’ve been with you every day for nine years. You inspired me to write the book “Jewels of the Bible”. I took the Bible line by line, I pulled out the stories and I made them alive because I have cancer, breast cancer and it’s moved to stage IV and it went to my brain and I just got a new oncologist who basically told me to put my affairs in order. I have two autistic boys ages 19 and 22. King David said, I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread. I am not righteous but Jesus is my righteousness and I just would like prayer for the boys, Michael Josiah and Elisha Benjamin. My husband after 25 years when I got cancer he left. I know this is a two-minute call but when I wrote the book, when I made the Bible alive for kids for the next generation it’s like that when the attacks started. So, Satan’s trying to get my brain. I left it for the world and I want you guys to know that it’s there and I love you all so much and I trust Jesus to go with __ these babies…well they’re not babies, they’re young men…I would be happy to go see Jesus and I know Jesus will take care of everything and I know this is more than two minutes but God bless you all. I love you Brian. You’ve helped me through so much of my life. God bless.
Hi, my name is Jessica I’m calling from Michigan. It’s August 1st. Actually, it’s August 2nd but still not officially because I haven’t gone to asleep yet. I am a college student, I’m 19. I started listening to the DAB when I was 15. I have an interesting spiritual journey throughout my childhood and I really needed to feel close to God and DAB was one of the ways I was able to do that because I didn’t really have any spiritual friends, or my family really didn’t go to church very much. But I got a campus ministry college. That was great. I got some great fellowship opportunities and made some good friends but a few months ago when I started fighting a doctor in a few and it really confused me and made my relationship with God kind of uncomfy and in seeking out answers and trying to understand this side of things and I ended up finding way more questions than I thought and not many answers and it really made my relationship with God kind of bad. So, I reached out…not reached out…but decided to listen to DAB again today and that was great because I haven’t listened in a while. I’ve been reading the Bible chronologically more for historical contextual study __. But I really found what Brian said about not fighting people on doctrine to be helpful and I guess I felt inspired by that and I just wanted to reach out and ask you to pray that I can have a better relationship with God because I miss Him a lot…
Hi Brian, hi Daily Audio Bible community. I just want to…this…my name is Norma…and I just want to thank you so much for your…this app and this community. I know that the Lord led me to you as I was praying for deeper study in the word and I know that I have found that with the Daily Audio Bible. And I also would like to…I was led by the Holy Spirit to call in to offer some words of encouragement to all of those who have called with problems with her health and finances and those that have had lost a loved one. I just wanted to share a couple of Scriptures with you and just…reading from John 14:2. He says, “in my Father’s house are many mansions. If it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” And in second Corinthians 4:18, He says, “while we do not things which are seen but at the things which are not seen for the things which are seen are temporary but the things which are not seen are eternal.” So, I want to encourage all of you community that are going through some things, that what we are going to see here on earth, as it says in the word, is just temporary and I know that during this time of suffering it’s really difficult but remember also that as the word says in John that God is preparing mansions for us and we have so much to look forward to when we are raptured and I just encourage all of you…my heart and compassion call out to all…
Hello Daily Audio Bible family this is Treasured Possession coming at you from the blessed lake state of Minnesota and I’m calling to encourage other believers to give up. I want to thank Pastor Brian for all of his dedication for years and years of speaking the word every day. I have been listening for a long time but this year, first year consistently all the way from January 1st up until today. And I want to say I am so excited. Second Chronicles 32:7-8 pretty much describes our marriage of 33 years. My husband and I will be married 33 years of the 9th of August and it is because of exactly what pastor Brian talked about today, the one thing that has changed in our marriage is just what he talked about. If Satan can get us discouraged full of self-doubt, blaming others for what we’ve done, he’s stolen our faith. And often Satan uses the past, debts, results of previous sins we’re still experiencing to try and convince us that God wasn’t enough then and He won’t be enough now, so just give up. But that’s only the story from this world’s point of view. Our faith says God was there then and He’s there now. We live in Christ as a people resurrected from death, the death of our past sin. We are made completely new and alive in Christ, that every spiritual blessing and the power to obey with joyful and peaceful hearts. Jesus gives us His authority to overcome the enemy as we step forward in faith, learning to trust the Holy Spirit’s guidance through suffering, missing the mark, confessing, getting back up, and going deeper into faith with Jesus. Praise God. I love you all. Be blessed.
Hi, good day, my name is Marcia from Jersey. It’s been a while since I called the line. It’s been like about four years. I know when I called first, I mentioned I was diagnosed with lupus and I was able to experience a miracle. The Lord has healed me. I went on to have a baby boy. His name is Joseph. But the reason that I’m calling today is because I heard the prayer request from Gary from northern Idaho. He was saying that he was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer. Gary, today I’m calling to say to you that you’re under a spiritual welfare. I want to say to you that I admire your strength. I listened to your call and you said you…you know, I’m saying to you that I admire your strength and your stance. I want to reiterate what you said, that you are throwing down the gauntlet and your fighting side-by-side with Jesus. Keep it up. Keep it up my brother. You’re going to win. I’m am declaring today that your cancer free. You said you’re following in the great commission. I love it. I love it. I love it. I want to pray for you. Today I’m going to pray for you. So, father today I come before You. I say it today God, Your name is Jehovah. You’re Jesus Christ, the one that sits at the right-hand side of God the father. I am declaring today God that Gary is healed and delivered from metastatic prostate cancer. I’m binding up and chaining up and am casting in the pits of fire every demonic force that is standing against him. In the name of Jesus, I destroy right now the authors of the enemy that have him tied. I break every yoke in the name of Jesus. God…I am speaking of God…I am setting him free right now in the name of Jesus. Father, I thank You for him oh God, every record keeping instrument with his location and identity I’m destroying it in the name of Jesus. I rebuke the devourer, I reverse every agreement now made against him. I’m destroying every evil work from its root and severing the ties of the enemy. I’m speaking to him oh God and I’m saying who the Son set free is free indeed. John 8:36. The Lord bless and keep you in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus.
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I have no idea
I literally have no idea what Im doing right now, Im currently writing this as Im laying down in bed, no drive to do anything. Im so sick of not having the drive to do anything, I want to better myself and all that but it seens impossible at this point. I always fucking do this, always. Im so sick of having adhd and whatever the hell else youd call this "numbness". With my adhd it makes it hard to commit to nearly anything. Thats why I hold things to the last minute constantly. I really wish I didnt do that and Ive trief and Ive tried and Ive tried and Im sic of it. But anyway, last night I was on the phone for a while and that made me really happy. I really cant wait to see him in person, I just wanna hold him. Oof itll still be about 4 days till hes back and possibly longer. I kinda wanna hang in the village he lives near when he gets back, we do that a lot. I just dont really wanna ve stuck in the place I live in, dont get me wrong I love it here and theres amazing scenery and such but its nuce to get away sometimes y'know?. Ive lived in this county my whole life and it just gets boring being in the same places you've always been in. Im a senior now and when I was a sophomore I moved to Florida for a year, HUGE change, it was pretty hard for me. Dont get me wrong it would have been so much better if my depression didnt decide to slip in the whole year but oof, i forgot where I was going with this. I just kinda wanna leave where I leave, just to do anything. God I wish the days woukd go faster to see James. A lot of people have been telling me Ive been "off" lately and such. I try my hardest not to show people tgat Im numb so they dont worry but my bestfriends mom (my second mom) catches on. I dont mind if thwy know, ive already told my bestfriwnd about it and they kmow what Im handling currently with my parents. Oh and I talked to mom abouthow people call ne a transtrender in school and she was just kike "dont let them get to you" nd all that and I told I find it kinda funny when people say that because they wont ever day it to your face. I also think its hillarious because my friends bf is intimidated by me so she cant talk to me, better yet hes a fucking farm boy xD. Big macho man over here, intimidating all the boyfriends. SHIT! I just looked in the mirror, hope that guy doesnt steal James. Wtf is wrong with me...oof. But anyway, yeah, I talked to the boyon the phone last night and I cant wait to see him in person. I like when I can say something like a comoliment or something cheesy or some shit and he like hides his face. Its absolutely adorable like 100% fucking yes, 10/10. Hes such a dork I swear, I cant even. I also find it kinda adorable when he like chews on the earbuds cord and like it goes inbetween his two front teeth. Its cute, his teeth are fucking cute, I love the gap. I dont know why that gap inbetween peoples two front teeth is so cute to me but it just is. Just...yes. Cuteness, cute fucking boyo. I just wanna see him like fucking damn, please life? I just wanna see my god damn boy, I dun wanna wait like four more days. I just yes, I want to see the boyo. Anyway, I should jump in the shower before the boyo wakes uo so I can tects him when he texts back. I might write another one that just the boyo cant see because I just, I dunno. I don't really wanna talk about it with him exactly. Its about us and future stuff, blah blah blah. Ive wanted to talj about that for a while but I dunno if I feel comfortable with him seeing it. I want him to choose for himself not other people. I only want for the boyo thats best for him, nothing else. I just want the god damn boy to be happy and have a healthy life. Not much matters to me than that, just him and the others around me that I am close to. I have a hard time worrying about myself unless it affects another person some how...anyway we'll see about that second post. Mlem. Have a gif and another.
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nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu
bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,
send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!
hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!
okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.
hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/
Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/
so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!
hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it
hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,
them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what
HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,
ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!
I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh
this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE
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Everything rant.....Can I die yet
Its just so fucking much like its fucking pint up anger and depression and anxiety and sadness and all this other shit and I hate crying because i can go from one thing to the next and cry for fucking hours and im trapped I have no fucking freedom i cant catch a fucking uber i cant catch the fucking bus im barely fucking allowed outside by myself they still tell me when tf to go to bed IM FUCKING 16 GTFOMF I juss need some fucking space I just wanna get out my mom wants "so much good " for me and dosen't get she's suffocating me cause of her own paranoia and personal preference and to make her feel better it's never about me I DONT WANNA BE COMFORTED BC YHU FEEL LIKE A SHITTY PARENT IF YOU JUST LET ME CRY well let me fucking cry she changed her and my dads name in my phone i changed it right back to "Sperm donor "& "birthgiver" theres a connection missing a bridge that they burned that idk if it'll ever be fixed im not comfortable having them and mom & dad im my phone I'm not comfortable completely claiming them i just cant I haven't seen my sister since I was 11 IM 16 FUCKING YEARS OLD MAN I havent seen her since i was 11 5 fuckung years because she knows our dad is on that nut shit and my mom is crazy she wont come see me bc of them and the one time she was gonna do it anyway MY DAD FUCKS US OVER ..she wont come because she can escape the crazy...I'm stuck in it my mom is so full of it she constantly tells me im perfect how i am but i just want to be skinny but what does she tell me "you're delusional stop believing the lies you're not fat but you cant be skinny" ofc I cry MORE than im already crying bc my fucking Bestfriend is moving back to fucking NYC where I cant fucking protect him and I fuck w shorty I really do but I feel like I'm being forced to just hand him off to her and that highkey hurts like hell and im being told to "sacrifice " "there's plenty pf years ahead for you to have fun"..not if i have anything to do with it just ...bc im in school when I can make a way to live and be in school just give me the permission but no I have to "sacrifice " IM FUCKING TRAPPED I NEED FUCKING PERMISSION TO WALK AROUND MY FUCKJNG HOUSE I just want an escape man nd im tired of niggas playing w my emotions IVE LIKED YOU SINCE NOVEMBER MF yhu don't want a relationship...i respect that..but you like me and sometimes you act like it most times you don't i honestly cant read you and i dont like thT shit BUT YHU NEVER WANNA TALK ABOUT IT..BUT YHU DONT LIKW THE BROKEN LABEL¿ WELL IM SORRY THAT I WAS FUCKED OVER AND WAS FORCED TO PUT UP A WALL AND THAT YOURE NOT HELPING ..."move on" they say I would but when i decide i might here yhu come hitting my phone or i see a video or picture and im yours again i cant fucking leave...Ashton came along and I could really fuckin like him but no im stuck on you I can like him all I want but let me see you and its over so even if i did move on to him i can't be completely happy bc i put too tooo 5,4,3&2 much time into you you could be perfect personality wise but you're so difficult i get fucking nervous texting you with him i dont but its still not you. You dont over sexualize me and thats not all thats on your mind with him I can tell it might be a problem i don't wanna send fucking nudes im too self conscious but you ask for pictures of me smiling WHO TF DOES THAT ILY FOR IT....but you don't like the broken label....and you don't want a relationship and idek if yhu even gaf..but im stuck until you make me move on... Im scared to tell niggas off about sexual shit i don't wanna be ignored but after what I've been thru... i dont even like sex unless i really care about you but i hate sending nudes i hate being asked for them i hate being sexualized i hate it all like just cuddle me and dont like clearly try to grope my ass and boobs thatd be great thanks....am I dead yet
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Reprise (4/8)
Part one | Part two | Part three
In this chapter: “sad magical fridge notes”.
IV. I love another, and thus I hate myself
The library is silent when Dorian climbs up the stairs. His steps echo off the stone, as do the low sounds of silk on silk - and in its strangeness, that makes him pause. Before, he’d almost never be here in full robes, and certainly not in these, which are half-ceremonial and weighed down with unnecessary nods to status. This was his place; somewhere that, for once in his life, he could be quiet. Some of the politicians he knows would burst into appalled laughter at the thought of him running about in leathers and trekking through swamps, but they don’t know the man who lived here, nor the man who fled from his ancestral home with nothing but the staff on his back.
He should go back to the others, perhaps offer them a proper tour, not the cheerful but no doubt sanitised one Josephine will be offering. That’s where I mistimed a force spell experiment and nearly made a hasty exit through a wall, and Cremisius had to catch me while slagging off “bloody stupid aristos.” That’s where Josephine caught me making off with a 9:32 vintage and then drank half of it with me. That’s where Gal sang “Little Langdon’s Mabari” in front of half the troops for a bet and almost went puce. That’s where the cook asked me for a Qarinus stew recipe and made a sincere and very nearly edible attempt. That’s where Gal saddled my horse and kissed me goodbye before things went entirely to shit.
Instead, he stays.
He runs his hand over the spines in the Imperial History section. It feels familiar, like greeting an old friend, even if the silence is new. At least his fingers haven’t come away dusty, he thinks as he rubs them together; this place is still being used. Even so, he watches the dust motes dance in the sunlight through the windows, looks at the empty corner where Fiona and the researchers used to be, and thinks that he didn’t remember this place being quite so dark.
It’s strange, being here again. It can only have been, what, eighteen months? Perhaps more. And yet it feels like a lifetime.
Well, of course it does. Back then, most of his friends were here, and he’d only have to take a flight of stairs, if that, to see the man he…
Ah. With no-one to see him, he grimaces, as if he’s prodded an old wound. Which might be too close to the truth, actually. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s healing. He knew it would hurt, all this, but he hadn’t quite expected… Seeing Gal felt as if someone had reached into his chest and attempted to tear his heart out. It still does. He wanted to turn and run, or blow something up. Or drink until he couldn’t see straight and sobriety was just a word said by fools.
No, none of that. He made himself come here. He’ll never get through this if he doesn’t put it neatly somewhere he doesn’t have to think about it, much like his father’s death and the years he spent attempting to drink himself into an early grave. But those memories are different. The pain is more obvious. Moreso than…
The mornings, he thinks, as he rounds the corner. Waking up with warm skin and drowsy laughter next to him, and marvelling at the bedhead of a semi-conscious barbarian. He remembers the sleepy affection and mumbled conversations and finally, with the world just about saved, having time for decent morning sex. And later the dreadful Fereldan food, the supposedly “hearty” - meaning grey - stews that he couldn’t bring himself to mind when his friends were laughing with him. Later still, those quiet, awkward attempts at Tevene cuisine from the kitchen staff. The way he’d groggily look up to find some young cook or other standing, looking expectant and hopeful at once, and he’d end up trying not to grimace too much and make encouraging noises, because look at them, it’s hideous, it would be like kicking a mabari, and I don’t even know where they found that recipe for garem…
Frightening, that sort of belonging - how easy it is to accept it, and take it for granted. Frightening, how good it felt to have a man kiss him and say I love you in front of anyone who could see them, uncaring of the whispers.
To have a man who promised him more.
He shakes away the thought and unclasps his cloak, throwing it over the back of his old armchair. Then he starts to browse the Chantry History shelf, trying not to close his eyes, to feel like it’s two years ago and he’s waiting for the quiet, clanking steps of a man in mail and -
“You were right.”
He carefully doesn’t freeze. Instead he says, “I beg your pardon?”
Gal’s exhale is a small thing, barely there in the echoing silence of the library. “I should have told you about the kidnapping attempts. I thought I’d rather explain in person. Didn’t want to imply an urgency that wasn’t there.” Still so soft-spoken, for such a large man; but then, it’s not as if he has anything to prove.
“No, no, Ser Trevelyan, I’m sure you knew best.” Dorian steels himself, and turns, sighing. “As I said, it’s not like intelligence is key.”
“I - “
“It’s not as if you could have disappeared from Thedas entirely and left an organisation scurrying around in your wake, wondering what happened to you.”
“I knew I could take the Venatori,” Gal says quietly. The tired way he rubs at his forehead belies the arrogance of his words.
“Yes, of course. The same way you could take Solas,” Dorian snaps. “After all, who can stop the mighty Inquisitor when he’s determined to get himself killed?” The words are a snarl, too loud, and when the silence returns, it’s deafening.
It sounded too… everything. It sounded like he cares.
Gal stares at him. Those eyes are still entirely too blue, too familiar, beneath the warpaint. This could almost be one of those arguments where Gal wanted to run into danger and they’d argue until a decision was made - or the mission came around, and one was forced - or they’d distract each other.
Dorian keeps his expression blank and his arms crossed, even as his heart is speeding; even as he tries not to remember the man who used to laugh against his mouth and fall into bed with him, the man who asked him to stay and promised him -
He’s had enough practice. He’s been not-thinking of such things since he arrived and saw this short-haired, hollow-eyed stranger who’d actually bothered to shave - and that alone told him Gal must have been dreading the meeting, dreading him.
He adds, more calmly, “Not that it’s any of my business, of course.” You made sure of that. “Some of us have more important things to worry about.” He adds, too casually, “The fall of the Imperium, for example.”
Gal looks at the shelves, the walls - anywhere but at him. “I know. That’s why I waited to tell you.”
Dorian barks a disbelieving laugh. “I see. So this is my fault.”
Gal frowns. “That’s not what I meant.”
That’s only worth ignoring. Dorian sighs. “Why are you here, Herald?”
Gal sounds frustrated when he says, “The others wanted to see you. They’ve started discussing the findings from the Venatori camp.”
“Right, yes. Of course.” He waves a hand and wonders when he started sounding like an exhausted magister. No - he wonders when he started sounding like his father. “I’ll be right with you.”
He gathers himself, assumes the stonefacedness one should expect from a representative of the Lucerni, and then follows Gal out of the room. He feels every inch of the space between them, and Gal still won’t look at him.
The opposite problem to Mae’s, he thinks later, in the mages’ tower. Gal and Josephine, even Lucia, are intent on the scraps of parchment and half-torn diagrams, but Maevaris… She keeps glancing at him, and if he didn’t know her better, it would look casual. But he does know her better, so he knows that she’s worried about him. Even while she’s running a hand over the parchments and unbinding minor wards - Did they really think this would keep anyone out? - she has half an eye on him.
He wouldn’t mind so much if it was general worry, the sort she’d expressed on the journey over. Instead, this feels far too much like she’s saying, You’re going to do something stupid, aren’t you? He knows that look. It was the same look she wore when he was about to hop the wall in his second Circle and run for the nearest red-lantern district.
She’s wrong, of course. He knows how to keep his distance, even if she’s always accused him of wearing his heart on his sleeve.
He frowns down at one of the diagrams, pulling it closer. Not a diagram - a map. He snorts, shaking his head. “Half of this is complaining about the weather - mal, mal, mal - but I know this place. They’re saying it’s where they’re storing the red lyrium for their little enterprise.” He feels the silence and the others’ eyes on him, but he traces the cliffs and throws a little magic into his touch, a basic prodding of barriers. The ink spreads, changes. “Is this part of why you weren’t content to say they were only in the Storm Coast?” He looks up and addresses the question to Josephine, but he hears mail and leather as someone steps closer. “I suppose this could have passed for Long River, but this is… See for yourself.” He moves it to the centre of the table with an unnecessary flourish, and he pretends it’s not partly so Gal won’t have to lean over him.
Gal says quietly, “It’s a stream off Lake Lothias.” He inhales. “We didn’t have the countercharms to…”
“What, no convenient Tevene rejects running about? Couldn’t you have taken a few of the Venatori captive?”
“They tended to die,” Gal replies flatly. “Usually had a few blood wards laid out in case of capture.”
Dorian tries not to let his frustration through. “And the work I left you on this specific topic? My own countercharms and dispels?”
“They’ve created new forms. Spells I’ve never seen before. This isn’t like before, when we had an entire Inquisition and the Redcliffe mages at our back to research. They’ve been careful to cover their tracks.”
Maevaris laughs at that and says, “I never thought anyone would call the Venatori thorough. But perhaps this group is different.”
“Or luckier.” Gal ducks his head, frustration in the line of those broad shoulders. “We’ve never managed to take them unawares.” He must see Dorian’s appalled look, for he adds, “Blame lack of numbers and other priorities. We were focused on the remaining rifts, and we thought these were just stragglers. We were wrong.” He looks back to the map.
Dorian sighs. “I’m missing the days when you had a decent commander. But I suppose he’s off house-training ex-templars.” From the letters he’s received, that seems to be the case. One of them knew the Herald, Cullen had said. She writes to him, on occasion. He’s not sure whether to mentally congratulate Cullen for getting out of this mess or go and drag him back by that hideous fur ruff. He crosses his arms and straightens his spine. “So, what are you planning to do?”
“We need to take a separate team back to the Hinterlands…” Gal pauses. “But we need good barriers. If they’re handling the red lyrium, we can’t let them only do it with armour. We need mages.” He runs a hand through his hair. “We haven’t got many, these days.” He closes his eyes. “We have to get rid of the lyrium. I’ll speak to the troops. Tell them we’re changing plans.”
“I’ll accompany you,” Josephine hastens to add, and she glances at Dorian with a flash of something like empathy.
Then Gal’s leaving, and Dorian’s trying not to think that the room suddenly feels… emptier.
“I should have offered to help,” Lucia says, sounding bitter. “Here I’m only going to be a paperweight.”
Dorian half-grins at her. “I spent half of the campaign against Corypheus as one. Surprising, how many useful things you can find when you’re stuck to a desk.”
She tries to smile, and fails.
“He’ll drag you out eventually. He always likes to see what a decent mage can do.” He shifts more of the papers, piling them up next to him. “That goes double if they’re from the dread Imperium. I’d brush up on your pyromancy, if I were you.” Not that she needs it. She’s one of the best she’s seen, probably far better with fire than he is.
“Dorian…” Maevaris starts.
He shakes his head. “I know. We have work to do.”
And work he does. But no more revelations are forthcoming, even when they untease a few wards and charms he’s never encountered in the wild before. Old Tevene. How very traditional. And snotty.
He finds letters home and other such uselessness, with no names he knows; herb lists and cookery, of all things; an artistic sketch of a tree. None of them seem coded, or useful, though he puts them aside just in case. He wonders why they even bothered; perhaps they do all this as a matter of course, like a self-conscious teenager with a first diary.
The hours pass, and he finds himself with a headache and too many distractions, but no useful information. Eventually he admits defeat, and journeys groggily from the tower with a wave and some muttered cursing.
He looks up when the echoes of his footsteps change. A certain kind of stone, a lower ceiling. He realises his feet have led him to his old quarters.
Perhaps he was given new ones. He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t care. He locks the door behind him and barely bothers undressing before he falls onto the bed.
He tries not to see Gal’s sad eyes every time he blinks, tries not to think at all - but there’s a hum under his skin, and he drowsily raises his hand, quite without meaning to…
The old enchantments flare to life. The annotations in light next to empty shelves, the small reminders floating in the air in his own handwriting: Take an extra shirt. The Mire, he reads, next to the armoire. And an addition, in a familiar, Chantry-neat hand: Warmth wax for Dorian’s boots. He’d shown Gal how to tap into the spell, taken his hand as he’d written. To channel energy, he explained, but that wasn’t entirely the truth.
He looks up and sees the hastily-drawn maps hovering on the ceiling, the names in Tevene next to the old Arcanum and Common ones because Gal wanted to learn, always wanted to know…
“How many languages do you know?” he’d asked, in mounting amusement, one of those semi-rare nights Gal had ended up in his bed rather than the other way round, after one of those labyrinthine middle-of-the-night conversations. It had been surprising how enjoyable they were, and how many they could have, now neither one of them had to wake up early and rush out on missions at the crack of dawn.
Gal looked thoughtfully at the ceiling. “Common,” he said, as if that wasn’t obvious. Wryly, after a pause: “Orlesian.”
Dorian knew his cue when he heard it, and said flatly, “I’m appalled.”
“Did you not see my name?” Gal said, with one of those white-toothed, slightly silly grins. “Besides, most nobles know some. You do.”
“Well yes, but that’s because we aren’t all barbarians and some of us need to trade.” It was an old game to slip into, the insults, all fond.
“And some of us had an Orlesian grandmother.”
Dorian blinked and turned his head, watching the spell-light reflect in Gal’s eyes. “Now that I didn’t know.”
“Never met her. She died soon after I was born. My mother didn’t like talking about her much.” Gal shrugged. “But she picked up the language from her, she always said. Made sure I got some of it.” He exhaled, and looked Dorian in the eye. “My Antivan’s a little rusty, but Josephine lets me practice. And the only Tevene phrases I know are curses.”
Dorian couldn’t help laughing at that. “It seems I’m a bad influence.”
Gal just smiled back. “True.” A thoughtful look appeared on his face. “But there’s... there’s one other word I know.”
“Oh?”
Gal leaned across and said softly, into Dorian’s ear, “Amatus.”
Dorian’s laughter returned, because he knew full well he wasn’t being mocked. He took Gal’s arm and said, “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
Gal just looked at him like he was something… rare. Precious, perhaps. All startled delight. “I told you, I like it. It’s a good word.” Then the affection was replaced by something fiendish. He leaned across again and repeated, “Amatus.” He said it as if savouring it, smiling against Dorian’s cheek and ignoring the fact that both of them dearly needed a shave. He pressed his nose to Dorian’s neck. “I love you,” he said, with a hint of that low, delighted laughter. And then he said it again, with a kiss to Dorian’s shoulder - and then again, ignoring Dorian calling him an “utter sap” and proceeding to say it through laughter until Dorian had to shut him up and they were both thoroughly distracted.
Dorian stares at the ceiling - at the remnants of a life he’d thought was his - until the words begin to blur. He should have unmade the spells before he left, but... he thought he’d be coming back, once.
He glares at his own stupidity, extinguishes it all with a snap of his fingers, and tries to sleep.
He wakes too soon, freezing. He’d forgotten how bloody cold it was down south. He reaches down the bed, out of habit more than anything… and pauses, raising his head from the pillow to look again. He stares at the furs and extra blankets, neatly folded at the foot of his bed - more than the servants used to give, and Gal had always sneaked a few more in because You’re shivering, Dorian, putting them away in the mornings with that silent, Chantry-raised scrupulousness while Dorian was still trying to stagger to the privy and not break his neck - and then he grabs them. He shoves them over himself without ceremony, trying not to think about any of it, or about the new spellweaving candles laid on his old desk. The servants, no doubt.
He slides into the Fade mostly warm and trying to curl around someone who isn’t there. The same as usual.
#my fic#reprise#that angst au#shield raised#dorian x inquisitor#gal trevelyan#dorian pavus#post-trespasser
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#i feel as if#for as long as i live in poughkeepsie#im never gonna be fuckin happy#and im always gonna be treated like a last resort or something#i genuinely believe that nobody here gives a shit about me or my wellbeing and im so over living here#living with my mother was bad but like... i had a supportive friend group in the city#and i wasnt as miserable as i am#ive been living here for over a year nd yet its like... i still feel like an intruder#and i dont know shit#and im so fucking alone and evrryones face is the same to me#and i dont feel like i belong here#it really fucking hurts and everyones hostile#but theres not much i can do til i leave next year! whatever fuck#i domt know anymore#d/on-t r-b#p-ersonal#maia.txt
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Birthday
Fandom: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Characters: Donnie, Raph, Leo, Mikey. Relationship: Donnie/reader Request: It’s the readers birthday and she thinks Donnie has forgotten but he hasn’t because he was working on a birthday present for her Donnie hadn’t been out of the lab more than 2 minutes when you were there. His brothers had told you he hadn’t slept properly or even eaten. you were worried just like his family but that wasn’t the only reason you were here. it was your birthday. Splinter and the boys had invited you for dinner as a celebration but there had been one person missing. The very person in front of you now. “hey, Donnie.” You smiled despite your heart breaking with each passing second. it was obvious he had forgotten and it hurt you deeply. You cared for him more than you had ever admitted and although you weren’t expecting him to have got you a present with all the bells and whistles on, you expected acknowledgement. You were meant to be friends have all. “oh, hey.” Was all he said and moved passed you to go into his room. You stared at his back as he glanced over his shoulder. “something wrong?” he asked, turning back to face you while frowning behind his glasses. he had forgotten your birthday. He had forgotten you. All the years you had been there for him, after everything you had been to each other and he had forgotten. But there was so much more. He had been ignoring you for the last few weeks. Maybe he hadn’t forgotten. Maybe he didn’t care. you stood there staring at him for a moment as if you expected him to suddenly smile and pull out a card but nothing. You stared at him with wide eyes that soon began to water, much to his surprise. The second Donnie noticed the tears in your eyes, he rushed to you but you backed away nd turned on your heel, sprinting down the hallway. Donnie froze for a second, not able to understand why you would run from him. Normally, he was the only one to comfort you but now, he didn’t know what was happening. But something kicked him and he ran after you, his heart beating hard in his chest. But as he rounded the corner, his heart stopped. While you had already ran out the door and home, it was the living room that made him instantly understand. All around the walls were balloons and banners with your name on them. There was confetti on the floor and the aftermath on a meal which looked like it had been your favourite meal. He remembered Leo coming and knocking on his lab door, calling through the door that you were here and they were going to start eating but he just assumed it was dinner as normal. It couldn’t be that day. “Well done, genius.” He glared over his shoulder, meeting the gaze of Raph who was coming out of the kitchen with Leo and Mikey behind him. But Donnie knew he was in the wrong. “i-I didn’t realise it was that date.” He sighed as he hung his head in shame. “yeah, well. Doesn’t matter now, does it?” Raph half growled as he stormed past Donnie, ‘accidently’ catching his shoulder and making him stumble. Donnie thought of how you must feel. While he and his brother didn’t exactly have birthdays, you had dedicated a different day for them each year. It made them feel special and on that day, it made them feel normal. You went out of your way to make each of them happy. Donnie remembered how you had always went above and beyond for him and yet he had forgotten yours. “I-i…” Donnie stuttered as he turned to face Leo but he had no idea what to say. Leo sighed. “you know, she spent the whole day waiting for you.” Leo’s words caused Donnie to physically flinch because he knew it was true. Donnie couldn’t take the guilt or his brothers eyes and ran out the room, following you. ---------------time skip --------------------------- You stopped running the second you got onto the street. Tears ran down your cheeks but because it was late and dark, no one would know. You walked into your home, throwing your jacket on the floor and sitting on your couch in the dark. How could he had forgot? you buried your face in your hands and cried. Hard. You cursed everything including yourself. You shouldn’t be getting so upset. If you didn’t mean that much to him then its good thing because it showed you and now you could move on and not put so much faith in him. But why did it hurt so much? Maybe because you cared so much for him. He was your everything. You heard your window open and someone stumble through. You glance up through your fingers to see Donnie walling towards you, his eyes wide at your state. You took a deep breath and wiped the tears away with the back of your hand and standing. You were about to turn on your heel and walk into your room when a hand caught your wrist, gently stopping you. “wait. Please?” Donnie voice shook as he spoke. His voice sounded broken and lost as he pleaded with you to stay. You should have ripped your hand away from him and stormed through to your room but his voice was too much. You stayed as still as statue and waited. It appeared that Donnie was waiting for you tk say something but when you didn’t, you heard him let out a shaky breath. “I didn’t forget.” He half whispered, making you frown and look at him, your eyes filled with anger “no, you just didn’t care.” you growled, trying to pull your hand away but failing. “no, no I do care!” Donnie cried out, only pulling you closer as you struggled in his grip. “You have a funny way of showing it!” you hissed as you managed to wriggle out of his grip and step back from his, tears running down your cheeks. “I should have known better!” you scolded yourself, squeezing your eyes closed and covering your face with your hands, sobbing into the palms. “I should have known you wouldn’t care! Just like everyone else!” your voice broke as you cried into your hands. there was a moment of silence which was only broken by your sobs. but then someone wrapped their arms around your and pulled you close to a strong, hard chest. You peaked through your fingers to see Donnie chest. he was hunched over you. “don’t think that.” He sobbed in your ear as his tears fell from his face and landed on your shoulders. “We care about you. I care about you so much. God, I didn’t forget, I swear. I just lost track of time!” he pulled you closer and buried his head in your neck as you didn’t the same. “please don’t think that!” he begged in your ear. “Donnie, I don’t understand?” you breathed, hiccupping half way through it. Donnie pulled away, his eyes now bright red. You saw the bags under his eyes and from what his brothers had told you, he hadn’t slept in a few days. “your birthday present. Ive been working on it for a while and I wanted it get it finished. I-I just lost track of time and I didn’t realise what day it was. I swear I never forgot!” Donnie spoke like a broken man. He way he held you made you weak. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak so all you did was wrapped your arms around his neck and held him close. Donnie instantly reacted ti your touch and let out a shaking breath. You couldn’t help but cry as you held you. You could hear he was sobbing and his hands were shaking as they held you close. He kept mumbling how he was sorry and it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself he hadnt forgot. All you could do was hold each other. Eventually, you were all cried out and pulled away, unwrapping your arms from his form. “Sorry, I should have just come and spoke to you.” You half smiled to yourself. You hated that there was a lack of communication between you two considering you were normally so close. “No, its my fault. I cant believe i made you so upset on your birthday.” He shook his head, reaching out and gently stroking your cheek. “Its okay.” You whispered, dropping you gaze from his. You were partly embarrassed for letting him see you in such a state. “No, its not. You should never doubt how much I care for you. How much I love you.” Donnie’s words were soft and filled with a hidden passion you had never heard from him before. Looking up at him with wide eyes, you saw the dark blush dusting his cheek. You half expected him to run after his confession but he stood there awkwardly and rubbing the back of his neck. “Really?” You breathed, a little cautious. “of course. Ive always loved you.” He muttered, looking at his feet, his hands dropping to his side. With your heart beating hard in your chest, you step forward and ducked your head to meet his eyes. When he meets your eyes, you go up on your toes and press your lips to his in a sweet kiss. Donnie instantly kissed back, pouring all the passion he could find into the kiss. It was an apology and, at the same time, a promise of love. It was sweet and passionate. It made your head spin as he held you close and tightly, his hand still shaking. The kiss was short lived when you both heard movement from your window. You jumped a part just as Leo climbed through the window, followed by his brothers. Judging by the look he gave Donnie, which was a raised eyebrow and smirk, he had seen the kiss. You couldn’t help but smile at them as you quickly wiped away the tear with the back of your hands. Leo then whispered something to Raph who smirked and then Raph to Mikey. “I knew it!” He whispered, his eyes darting between you and Donnie so you knew Leo had just told them what you and Donnie had been doing. “We didn’t know if you two were okay or not so we brought this.” Leo spoke and nodded to Raph who was holding something behind his back. He was about to bring it out when Donnie darted forward to shield it from view, his back to you. “Don’t! Its not finished!” He said while shaking his head. “I don’t mind.” You spoke up, curious as to what was being hidden from you. Donnie sighed and you knew why. He could never say no to you. Especially after such a emotional moment together. You saw Raph smirk as he handed Donnie the item and Mikey was bouncing with excitement. Donnie turned, carful to keep the item out of view. “Its something from all of us. But its not finished yet.” He said, scowling at Leo who just smirked and nodded at you. It then hit you that you haven’t had any presents from the boys but you hadn’t noticed because you were too busy worrying about Donnie. He walked over to you and brought the item from behind his back. It was a small, black tablet. It was about the side of a book but really thin. You could tell Donnie had built it up himself because there was nothing like this on the market. You stared at it as Donnie pressed a button to turn it on. As it loaded, he took your hand and lead you over to couch. He sat one side of you and Leo the other. Mikey and Raph leaned over the back of the sofa to watch the tablet. The home screen was a picture of you. But it was one that, in a way, had all the turtles in it. You knew you could never have picture of them as your home screen in case someone saw your phone, but this was different. One day a few months ago, you had stolen all their weapons while they slept. You then took a selfie with the weapons on you and sent it to them. It symbolised each of them. You smiled at the photo. Donnie then started to tap on the screen, bringing up a menu filled with apps. You instantly saw it was all your favourite apps. It had a mixture of games and other apps including a few which looked like they were new. “I chose out all your favourite songs and also included some of my own so you can apricate them.” Mikey said, pointing at a music app. He sounded so proud of himself. “well, we all did.” Leo said, smiling at you then scowling at Mikey who just stuck his tongue out at him. “You’ve got all your photos of you and us in a secret file which had a password. Its [Date].” Donnie said as he tapped pictures, entered the password and brought it up. “That’s the date I met you guys.” You beamed. Donnie looked at you and nodded. You saw the love in his eyes. For the next 30 minutes, they showed you what was on the tablet. It had a whole range of different uses. It had apps for fighting move (chosen by Raph if they were deemed accurate), it had all your favourite books and movie on it, it had gadgets and apps that you didn’t think there was technology yet. Some things still didn’t work properly, which was why Donnie had said it wasn’t ready but you didn’t care. As you stared at the small device, you realised how much work and effort had went into making this and having all this information’s on it. They had all went out of their way to make sure it was perfect for you. “Like I said, its not finished yet.” Donnie said, locking it and handing it to you. You held it, noticing how light it was. “Thank you so much.” Your voice broke as tears began to pool in your eyes. “No ones ever done this much for me.” You felt 4 pairs of arms wrap around you, telling you not to cry but chuckling about it. You noticed Donnie, whos arms were around your waist, was holding you closest and rubbing your sides. Leo, Mikey and Raph pulled away. “We’re going to take off.” Leo said, offering you a smile. You knew from the look he gave Donnie that that didn’t include him. “Happy birthday.” They all said in unison as Raph placed a hand on your head and ruffled your hair. With that, they left. Donnie stayed by yours side, his arms still around you but once they had left, you leaned and cuddled into him. “Thank you.” You whispered. “its nothing. Im just sorry its not finished.” He said. You heard the disappointment in his voice. “Donnie.” You pulled back to look him in the eyes. “Im not talking about that. Im talking about everything. Everything you’ve done for me.” You reached out and cupped his face. “And even if it isn’t finished yet. No one has ever put that much thought or care into a gift for me before. I cant imagine how much time and energy you and your brothers put into it. How much you put into it.” You said as you rubbed your thumbs in small circles, making him lean into your touch. “We care about you.” He spoke in such a caring way about you. “But I love you.” He whispered. “I love you too.” You smiled. Donnie beamed at you and pulled you back into a sweet kiss. No matter what happened, you now knew you had people who cared for you and loved you. And that’s all you needed.
#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt#donnie#donnie x reader#donnie/reader#donatello#donatello x reader#donatello/reader#reader insert#fluff#angst
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Vent post ahead sorry
Today is my two year anniversary of working with Geico and I just feel...stagnant. Empty. Tired. I havent progressed, I'm still in the same department hell I still have the same supervisor since I started the only thjng thats changed is my shift but even that was just given to me I didnt do anything accept stick with the team.
Everybody I started this job with is gone except for a small handful most of which I either dislike or dont work with anymore due to differing schedules or completely different departments.
The job just...sucks. I'm saying the same shit over and over and over again to 30 people a day 5 days a week. In perfectly average I'm not good enough to bonus and make a triple digit paycheck but I'm just good enough to maintain my position. Anytime I perform well I never get recognition and then the very next month someone performs half as good as I did the previous month anf they get a fucking off campus lunch.
Even today. I came in to an email being like..."congrats on two years" and the other people that started with me got straight up physical certificates and like a coupon for free cookies and its like...cool...glad to see ive been forgotten about again.
The thing is the job pays super good and I habe amazing benefits, ive got health insurance a 401k, eye, dental, and even get like an entire check at the end of the year with a portion. Of the companies profit for just working here and I get paid like 21 bucks an hour and yet I'm just...Idk...bored? Like I just find nothing interesting about making a career out of selling insurance to people.
I just sont know nd I know its mainly depression thats making me feel like this but ive felt like this since like 2 months into my training and I thought it aould get better so I kept going and pushing through and now I'm just tired. I'm tired of doing this same shit every fucking day I'm tired of. Ot enjoying what I do for a living. I'm tired of being miserable and I know I'm neber going to like working but I know I would prefer to be doing anything with art or writing more than this shit but I was a dumbass and decided not to go to college so like...that'll never fuckong happen.
Ill probably delete this later but I just needed to get this out somewhere I didn't have like family looming down on me
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ok so its 2.24am on the 25th of september i moved in on the 22nd of september so the saturday i spent the whole of saturday having a really awful breakdown that just sapped all my energy out and then on sunday i half continued it half messed around for a bit , went up to the store to buy some stuff i had forgotten, ate a bit and found out i need to not eat nothing because my stomach is not the way it used to be at the height of that little eating disorder as mine, sat aorund a lot. on the 24th i did all my enrolment and my induction day speeches which was a lot . doing things at university definitely is a way to stop feeling so weird and alien but it still doesnt do it that much for me... lots of students from this country came to university with their friends and they point at notice boards to names of other people, older than them, from their schools, and its like wow, awkward.,,
i had dinner with some international students though so i feel a little better about idk everyting even though i hyperanalyse the whole thing and everything i said and everything they said but its like whatever i have to force myself to let go a little bit . and one girl i met a while ago at the open day is here as well which is a huge relief just to have another face i recongise and thats about it
flatmates i havent really spoken to and i feel like a freak for not doing so but what else can ido..i just sit in my room and cry on and off so imm thankful i have internet friends even if they have to see me talking to myself about how lonely i feel and etc etc etc. and im thankful i dont live too far away from home and can visit a lot . because i need too not just because they got a cat the second i left but because im crazy and i dont feel comfortable anywhere else.. idont thik im ready to move out at all and forcing myself to this year was a leap a little too soon and im probab;y saying this early but whatever maybe if i was living by myself itd be different but sharing with flatmates i dont really know or can be comfortable around at all freaks me out so i end up avoiding them when i want to go out to the kitchen or anything and i just spend a lot of time sitting nervously in my room . le sigh. i dont know.i hope things get easier bc thatwould be epic but im not holding out for hope and i have 3 books i need to read for next week and theyre all huge (paradise lost, the pardoners tale, the bible) and its like if noting else goes well at least i can sit alone in my room and read those, think about that, spend even more time by myself, but its fine and its easy to read on the train and its easy to sit at home and read and just be in my bedroom instead of being in this weird freaky little room that im scared of
something else i should say for future me cringing down atall these old posts is when i had my breakdown on the 22nd before my parents left i was freaking out and telling my mother that i feel unsafe and paranodi and im having hallucinations etc and ik she doesnt really give a fuck theway i want hertoo nd she said shed callthe doctor and arrange an appointment for me but she probably hasnt and instead shed rather ask me over the phone why i havent gone outside yet why i havent spoken to my flatmates yet but its whatever i wanted to try and talk to the doctor when i got here just to talk to a doctor and egt some conformation that i am actually like. ill. and im not just super bad at coping with things everyone has bc i think thatd kill me but its just so hard to get towards that and its just so hard to get someone to sit down in a room with me just so i can tell them that i think whatevers going on with me is just not normal
mentor greetings tomorrow at 1pm and then it finishes at 2pm and ijm coming back to my dorm to read and sleep probably.. wednesday ihave some tours at midday.. thursday i have nothing friday i have a meeting with my personal tutor. ive been sleeping a lot these days because i feel so upset all the time and sometimes it feels like everyones a little sick of my endless breakdown but whatever im in hell and this is going to last all year probably .so i end up sleeping a lot and walking around the local streets a lot and theres a bunch of stuff on this week like freshers fairs and stuff and i want to join these unions and clubs and societies but you know its hard. theres 3 diffwrent journalism ones and id love to join one of them but its like what do i haveto say. at all. do i have anything to say. bc university is all about finding out who you are and what you want to do and etc etc etc but rly who am i. at all.
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how much is car insurance for a bentley
"how much is car insurance for a bentley
how much is car insurance for a bentley
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how much is car insurance for a bentley
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Dont know which insurance is cheaper?
Car insurance rates for a new teenaged driver?
So we have State Farm car insurance and our 17-year-old daughter is attempting to get her license. She has straight A's and is doing their Steer Clear program. Does anyone have an estimation of how much this will increase our insurance rates?
Im 16 in ireland looking to buy a scooter or waiting 6 months to get a car.?
hey im planning on waiting to get a car but would it b worth it to buy a scooter now. how much would insurance be on the scooter? and ireland with the rain...
Car insurance more expensive for men?
I'm twenty five and looking to get my first car, a small 1.3 Nissan, anyway i checked the insurance and it costs 3250 for one year, that sounds extortionate, no? I then went back and done a quote for a lady driver who just turned eighteen January just gone - it would cost 1750. Is that not sorta wrong?""
What is the average price of teen insurance?
What is the average price of teen insurance?
Cheap car insurance for 7 star driver?
Cheap car insurance for 7 star driver?
Where can I find affordable comprehensive dental insurance?
I don't just the preventative ones but ones that also cover root canals etc to an extent and don't over charge for nitrous oxide - one company had fee of 45 per 15 minutes ? I ruled them out Any ideas or tips greatly appreciated
Rear ended someone with the same insurance (AAA California). Deductible is waived. Who pays for damages?
If insurance pays for damages to their car, will my premium increase? The estimate of damages is larger than my deductible but since it is only cosmetic damages is it worth the risk ...show more""
Will my company have to pay a fine for not offering me an affordable insurance plan?
The word going around is that the change in our insurance coverage is only going to drop by a small amount due to the act, and the price someone told me is much more than 9.5% of my income. If I apply through the marketplace for the reason that I cannot afford insurance with my company, will they be fined for not offering me an affordable plan, or do they just get fined for not offering benefits at all?""
Do I need car insurance to drive into Canada?
I'm driving through Vermont to Montreal. I need to know if I'm required have auto insurance to cross the border in my car? Will the border agents ask for my car insurance.
Non-custodial parent needs affordable health insurance?
Apparently only custodial parents can apply for CHIPS health insurance. My last job had affordable health insurance for my son, but my new job only has insurance for 800.00 a month. I only make 10.50hr and get less than 40 hrs a week. Can someone please direct me to an insurance plan that I can afford?""
How much does it cost to be added on to someones auto policy for a week?
I live abroad and will be in the US driving my dads car for 10 days. How much should it cost for him to add me on to his insurance for such a short period?
Car Insurance for Tourists?
I bought a new car in Germany. It is insured through its manufacturer. I then left Germany and went to another country to work and live. Since I wanted to keep the car, I drove it to my new home! For the first 3 months (I am told) I am still insured as a Tourist. But I wonder... Say I have an accident in this new country, we exchange insurance details, etc... Where should the other driver go to get his compensation and file his claim? Has anyone ever had an accident with, say even, a rental car from another country and found out that they live elsewhere and . . . How should one deal with this situation where there might even be language barriers between the two drivers and the forms they have to fill in? Thanks in advance
What is General Insurance?
Need clarification and knowledge about the car insurance? What is it and is it mandatory?
SHould i trust AIS insurance broker co.?
I just got an auto insurance quote from AIS and they gave me $250 for 6 months for my 1999 ford. that's like $44/month for a 15000/30000 liability insurance and it is through MERCURY insurance co.... should i trust this and go with it?? i currently have GEICO paying $545 for 6 months
How much did your car insurance drop once you turned 25 yrs old?
Did you save 50%? 25%? Less? I noticed a significant drop when I turned 21 and saved about 40% then. What can I expect next year when I turn 25? Obviously it varies and will depend on if my driving record remains clean....just wanted to get some idea
Why are insurance group 1 cars so expensive?
Looking at insuring a car - in the UK we have insurance groups for cars, I can look at an Astra in group 16 and second hand I can see decent ones for 500-1000, but when I look at the shittiest cars known to man, the ones in group 1 - they are all 5000-7000 minimum SECOND HAND. Why the hell is this? If I wanted to be ****** in the *** financially, I'd rather it be with the insurance because at least I'd have a decent bloody car.""
Change car on insurance?
I had a crash what I am to blame. I've had to go scrap my car, need to put a new car on my insurance I know there will be a fee to change it over but will they now charge even extra now I've had a crash?""
""Can a car insurance provider cancel your insurance quote, without giving a refund?""
I recently renewed my car insurance with the Cooperative, I was charged and thought I was insured. After a few days I received a letter from the cooperative saying they have decided to terminate the insurance quote. If i want to know why I have to write a letter. After noticing Ive been charged and not given back a refund, I called and asked why this is. They said they wont refund the money, and all I could do is appeal for the money! They said the appeal has to be a letter sent to them, not email. Can they do this? Not only did they refuse to insure me (when they have done for so many years now), then they sent a letter saying they've decided to terminate it, without giving a reason, and they dont even mention anything about the money theyv charged me, I had to call in, and they tell me they wont refund the money?????""
Personal Car INsurance?
Is there a company who will insure me in a car no matter which car i drive. ie I want to get in a mates car and drive him home and am not covered by his insurance or i want to take my wifes car for the day but am not covered on hers. I need my own insurance so whichever car i get into, i will be insured in UK""
Does any1 know were i cud get cheap car insurance?
i live in northern ireland and am 18 years old thanks
How can i get insurance?
I cant find any decent prices. The cheapest i found was 255 pounds every month for a 0.9 Litre Fiat seicento, its a horrible litlle car and it cost too much to insure anyway, and the mpg its pretty bad for 0.9L petrol, 35.8mpg Anyway where can i find a decent price for a 18yr old that lives in lonon, 0 NCB, hold a clean licence for 2months""
Does lojack reduce auto insurance rates?
Does lojack reduce auto insurance rates?
""Is $150/month too much for auto insurance. 21, female, full coverage?""
I signed up for Allstates full coverage insurance for my 2006 Toyota corolla. I'm 21, female, and clean driving record so far. Is 150 per month too expensive?""
How much insurance cost would it cost for a provisional driver on a vauxal corsa?
hi, im 16 and soon to be 17 and learning to drive. i want to find out how much it would cost for me to be on a vauxal corsa (2001?)(1.3L) on a provisional learners license. i wanted to go on my mums tesco car insurance but they said i need to give them my provisional licence details but ive only recently sent off for one so i cant give them the details.. any ideas on the cost (any insurer) thankyou so much! katherine""
how much is car insurance for a bentley
how much is car insurance for a bentley
What cars are cheap to insure? UK ?
i know it depends on individual person but, in general, which cars have the lowest insurance? thanks""
I am looking for car insurance for my 23 year old Ford Fiesta. A lot of companies wont quote.?
I am 54yrs old my car is 23yrs old but it only has 46000 miles on the clock.
What kind of motorcycle should I get? Is insurance expensive?
I recently got a job about an hour away and would like to make my commute cheaper. I was thinking of buying a motorcycle for $3500 or less but I have never done this before. I want to know what would be the best for the size person I am. I am 6'5 and 300 lbs. So i need a big bike. Also is insurance generally more expensive than car insurance or not? Any suggestions will help me know what to look for. Thank you
I Had A Crash Can Anyone Recommend A Cheap Car Insurer?
Whilst learning to drive I took out learners insurance on my own car which meant I could drive around with someone who was over 21 and had been driving for atleast three years.. During the period of learning I had crash which I was liable for. I am 20 years old and will trun 21 in January. I have now passed my test and am looking to insure my car, can anyone recommend a good cheap insurance company? Thanks""
If you are under 18 and wreck a rental car is it covered by insurance?
I need a rental car and my mom will rent it but they said an under 18 year old can't drive it by yourself. If I drive it with some friends and get it in a wreck will it be covered by insurance (rental, our insurance does not cover rental cars). Also if I get pulled over by a police officer is it legal for me to drive? Thanks.""
Got myself a little old ford fiesta 1100 i am over 25 learner driver which is the cheapest insurance firm.?
Got myself a little old ford fiesta 1100 i am over 25 learner driver which is the cheapest insurance firm.?
Is someone else covered under my car insurance to drive MY car?
A guy I'm dating will ask to use my car from time to time because he has trouble with his, but I'm hesitant because even though he has his own car and own car insurance, I don't think he's covered under my insurance to drive MY car. Does anyone know exactly how this works??? I have Nationwide, if that makes a difference............""
Cheapest car insurance????
looking for a cheap car insurance guys, plz help""
Should my car insurance have been suspended?
Hi guys Basically,my car was written off just before Christmas,and yet despite contacting my insurance company,they continued with the policy.I haven't had a car for the last 6 months and so have effectively lost the last 6 months of car insurance.It was paid for in full at the start of the policy and so I am obviously not happy. Any help would be greatly appreciated-need to know how to complain (if I have any right to) and generally what to do next.Thanks""
Cheapet Cars To Insure For A 18 Year Old?
i am 18 years old living at home, i have 1000 pound and i am looking for a cheap run around to get me to school and back,, does anyone know any cheap cars to insure tanks""
What would it cost to add someone who has a drink drive conviction to my car insurance for a couple of weeks?
It would be third party fire & theft; the same as me.
How much would car insurance be for a 17 year old?? please answer?
im a male, 17 years old, recently got my g2 license, i bought a used 2000 toyota celica gt-s. how much approximatly would my car insurance be? thanks""
Did you get your insurance from an agent or a wholesaler?
is it possible to get your private insurance from a wholesaler? is it cheaper?
Is Obamacare really the first mandatory insurance?
Isn't Social Security a mandatory fee/tax/insurance on all working people? Isn't unemployment insurance a mandatory insurance unless you are an independent contractor? Isn't car insurance a mandatory insurance for any driving person?
Does anyone know where I can find good affordable health insurance?
I lost my job a few months ago along with the health insurance, does anyone know where a 24 year old guy, no health problems, etc can find a cheap but good health insurance company?""
How much will my car insurance go up?
I just had my first accident. A minor fender bender where my car collided into the rear of another car. The damage to both our cars was very minimal. I have a puncture or two in my grille, other guy had black marks from where my license plate edge hit the bumper. My insurance is already going to cost me $900 to claim it because I'm under 25; now how much is my premium likely to increase to?""
Approximate cost for teen motorcycle insurance?
hey, im 17 years old and live in Ontario, i recently got my G2 but cannot find a way to get car insurance cheap enough to actually warrant getting a car. I was wondering if anyone has any ballpark answer as to how much motorcycle insurance is at my age? every google search i do says you should ask your insurance broker , well i will, but i just want to see if its even worth looking at or if its going to be like $300 a month like car insurance. the bike would probably just be like a cheap used early 1990's bike, nothing special. thanks""
How much is insurance for a Porsche Boxster?
I'm 16 and getting a Boxster. I would like to know how much insurance is for it. We have state farm insurance. And I DO NOT want to hear Parents shouldn't give their teenager an expensive car! Just because I am a teenager, doesn't mean I will crash. I don't drink, speed, do drugs, or text and drive. So keep your opinions to yourself, thanks :)""
Home insurance automatically renewed can I get my money back?
Firstly, yes I am an idiot and should read my post more carefully.... I have just realised that I have been paying two sets of home insurance for a year because my previous years had been automatically renewed.....can I get my money back?""
Why are car insurance rates so high in sunbury-on-thames?
Thanks
Should I get health insurance for psychotherapy?
Assuming that each visit with a clinical psychologist is around $100-150, what is the cheapest method of getting coverage for therapy? I have no health insurance and don't think I could afford it at this time. It seems that the cost of plans with no deductible would be around the same price as paying for treatment out of pocket. Are there any other options for those that can't afford insurance? Something that would involve low monthly payments over a longer period of time? (Hopefully with a low interest rate, if there is one.) If it matters, I am an otherwise healthy 21-year-old and living in southern California. No history of physical illness. I hear that insurance company's can be fickle about pre-existing conditions. Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks! BTW, I don't know anything about health insurance, so excuse the obvious naivety :)""
""Recently hit by another driver, got estimate for his insurance company. Not sure I should repair for that cost""
My car is a 1994 Lexus ES300 with 125,000+ miles on it. I would say it is in good or fair condition, the leather seats are cracking badly and it has a few scrathes, etc. I'm just wandering if it is in my best interest to repair this car or for it to be totaled out. The estimate for repairs in $3500.00, which could always go up once repairs start for unseen damage. I'm just not sure the car is worth repairing for that amount considering its condition. The damage is to the drivers side rear panel which is now rubbing something when I turn either way or go over any kind of bump in the road. The estimate does not consider repair for that since that could not be seen by looking at the vehicle. They are also saying the paint can't be matched perfectly because of the fading caused by sun and weather over the years. With everything considered my resale value is not good. I did want to sale this car at some point and get newer car.""
How much would insurance be for a 17 year old new driver?
The car would be a Range Rover. The cover would either be comprehensive or on parents insurance. Thanks
Is my insurance company responsible !?
I recently submitted a claim to my insurance company an it was rejected . At some point during some severe weather something struck our roof causing water to enter . The rain water caused the sheetrock ceiling to crack and start to collapse . We were told by our insurance provider that this was caused by a manufacturer defect . The manufacturer checked the damage and disagrees . I also disagree being that we have lived in the home for four years and this the first appearance of water . what should I do next ? I have already submitted statements from the manufacturer . The insurance company has also declined to renew our policy because of the damage .
When should I buy life insurance?
I'm 23, one year out of college, living at home with my parents and working full time. I have no dependents. Is this the right time in my life for purchasing life insurance? I don't anticipate starting a family for another 5-8 years - is it wise to lock in a level term or whole life at my age or is it just fool's thinking?""
how much is car insurance for a bentley
how much is car insurance for a bentley
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cheap and affordable auto insurance
"cheap and affordable auto insurance
cheap and affordable auto insurance
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I sold my car and did not need auto insurance for more than a year. Now, I've purchased another car & the insurance co. won't insure me because I had a lapse in coverage even though I did not have a car to cover?? I have a clean driving record & a valid license. What am I supposed to do? The car is paid for, but I want collision insurance. One co. offered me liability at the rate for collision!! Ridiculous!""
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im was wondering whats the best health insurance to get for some who is 19. someting that has eye vision to. i work but i dont have insurance from my job its along story so dont ask. i need something that is affordable. i live in southern california. any suggestions will do. this stuff is all confusing to me . copayment? or deductible? please help!!!
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cheap and affordable auto insurance
cheap and affordable auto insurance
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I work for state farm insurance, what do other insurance companies say about us? not what policy holders think but what other companies only""
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Gieco Car insurance $$$ for new drivers?
I'm turning 16 real soon but with these new laws i wont be able to drive until I'm 17, but anyway I'm saving for a car probably like 2k-3.5k range.....ive already saved up 1k but i was wondering how much i need to save up to pay for insurance and gas. (im a guy, b- average in school, ill be buying a sedan, I live in CT if that helps) thanks.....if u could just give me a general price range that would be fine i just have no idea how much it is.""
How much would insurance be on 96 tahoe?
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What is the average car insurance cost?
What is the average car insurance cost?
How much money do you need to maintain a car say four to six cylinder in a month time?
Insurance, gas, the norm for a regular commute.""
cheap and affordable auto insurance
cheap and affordable auto insurance
""I am 21, and have been driving since I was 16. How much will my insurance be?
My parents always paid for my insurance (dont hate) and now I want to use the car for a courier service. How much do you think my insurance will cost me?
""I have a question about an accident, insurance, an estimate and payment?""
Hello. I recently got rear-ended and had an estimate done for $1800 dollars and somebody told me they would never give me that much for my car. I looked up the Kelley Blue Book and a private party price would be about $750 and that's how much they would give me and THEY take the car. Is this right? I might do it $750 and I keep the car! I put a new clutch in it, new front brake system, new exhaust, I love the car, so it's worth much more to me.....I'm just wondering what the law is on it and what I might be able to do to maximize my payout. If I'm unhappy with their offer can I take them to small claims and win? I just can't believe that I was just sitting at a stoplight and BOOM my car's wrecked and since I'm poor I can't get it fixed ya know? Thank you for your time......""
What's the best (fully legal) way for a 17 year old to get cheap car insurance in the UK?
I'm looking at getting a car for my 17 year old son who has just passed his test, but am fairly horrified by the insurance quotes I'm getting for a Ford Ka. He will be the main driver of the vehicle, and I don't want to claim he's the second driver, as that would technically invalidate the insurance. Advice please.""
Why is health care so expensive in the U.S.?
I know, I know -- look at other yahoo! answers first... But what I'm wondering is, why is it so much MORE expensive? Is health care really of a much lower quality in other countries? Do their governments regulate it more? Thanks in advance. :)""
Is women getting cheaper car insurance on the basis of their gender illegal?
Is women getting cheaper car insurance on the basis of their gender illegal?
What's the difference between health and accident insurance?
What's the difference between health and accident insurance?
How to make health insurance more affordable/cheaper?
can someone give me some sites to provide me with information? i have to do a problem-solution speech on economic change. sites with statistics are definitely desired.
How much would insurance be in my situation?
i am 16 years old.. How much more would my car insurance be if i had a honda civic si coupe vs honda civic ex coupe honda civic si sedan vs honda civic ex sedan honda civic si coupe vs honda civic si sedan honda civic ex coupe vs honda civic ex sedan any answers to any of those 4 situations would be greatly appreciated! thanks.
Why do insurance companies pay out low payments?
i was expecting a good amount from my fathers life insurance after all he's been paying into their policy for almost 40 yrs. but i get a letter that after paying the funeral home, i will only get 89.00""
Car insurance helP?
I am going to turn 18 in february and am used to paying for my own stuff since i was 14.... i would like an estimate of monthly car insurance.. i'm a good student... and cost of registration and how often to I have to get it inspected? Any help would be appreciated
How do I get affordable car insurance without my dad's involvement?
They say that first-time drivers get expensive rates for car insurance and that it can become affordable with a parent signing the application with his/her driver's license. Now my parents don't want to help me w/ the car insurance....how do I get affordable car insurance without their help?
How much insurance cost for 350z?
how much does it cost for insurance on a 350z for a 19yr old guy clean driving record in Texas?
Which companies do cheap quad bike insurance for newly passed car drivers?
Bashan 200c 2007 model, any idea how much insurance will be? Im 19 and have car license only.""
Will speeding convictions affect my car insurance?
I have to speeding convictions, the first one a went to a speed awareness workshop so i didnt recieve any points but on my second one i recieved 3 points on my license. Will this show on my insurance renewal and will it bump up my insurance rates? I have been driving for a year.""
Scooter insurance/plates/registration. How much?
Im moving to portland maine and my work is going to be only a few miles away, i have a jeep but i wana get a scooter for the lower gas milage and i always wanted a bike of some sorts. so how much am i looking at to buy a scooter insurance and everything else that is needed to start off? im thinking i probly gota get plates registration and insurance, anything else? also if anyone can post some cool scooters that would be nice, i want something thats prity fast and almost like a ninja bike. anyways thanks for the help guys =D ps. I know scooters arnt fast, i just want one that is a little faster than average.""
How much is motorcylce insurance for state farm and is there one cheaper then state farm?
im gonna buy a bike and heard that its cheaper for a bike and its insurance then a car and its insurance... thanks for the help
Checking Insurance Quotes?
May be a stupid question but can you check different insurance quotes even if you haven't passed your test yet, just to get an idea of how much it will be ?""
I need car insurance.?
!9 years old with a DWAI. Car needs collision. where do I get car insurance.
Car insurance advice..We bought a 97 dodge ram for my son that he picked out for his first car.He is taking?
auto body etc so it was something he was excited about fixing up.He had it looking pretty good still needed work but the other day my husband was driving it and was hit in the back and it wasnt his fault.They are trying to say it is totaled because the repairs exceeds a certain amount.So my ? is is there any way of keeping this truck?If so is it like a buy back thing and how much would it be? I know I should be asking the other insurance but the adjuster for them is not answering or returning calls.My son still wants to keep it is fully drivable and alot of work has been put into it and wants to eventally re fix it.Thanks for your time.
Which is better full coverage or liability auto insurance?
I live in wisconsin where it is not mandatory to have car insurance. I'm 26 and been driving since i was 16 without insurance and i'm planning on getting a policy started soon and i have no idea as to which type of insurance to get. I drive a 1997 chevy lumina with around 222,000 miles on it. If i get full coverage will it cover my car damages as well as the other persons damages or will liability do that and will i be required to pay a deductible? I am thinking about getting up to $100,000 in coverage.""
Insurance??????Insurance?
just wondering. my mom has a trailblazer and my dad has a lumina. they already have full coverage. my question is do they have to add my the insurance or since i have my drivers lisence i can start driving. my mom said that im already insured because it already has full coverage is that true or does she have to add me or what???
How much is car insurance?
im 16 and live in ny and i want to get a car.my mom said she would get me a car but car insurance would be too high.what would the cheapest company to use be for a teen driver?what would the price be?shes saying 3k a month for insurance.
Do you think car insurance should be mandatory in all of the United States?
I live in Wisconsin. Car insurance is not required for cars trucks and anything else on the road. I think this is wrong with medical and car repair bills being so expensive these days. Worst part about it is some of these non insured people drive like lunatics and if they do hit you they have nothing to even sue them for. I think it's disgusting.
""I was caught driving with no insurance and in court they required me to have car insurance for 1 year,?""
ive been paying for car insurance for the past 6 monthsm, but I recently sold my car, and was wondering if I stil have to pay insurance when I have no car. what should i do?""
Why does Obama want my health insurance to cost less?
This is wrong. If I work 2 jobs and I get cancer I should be allowed to go into bankruptcy from the medical bills. That's why I support Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum to actually lead this great nation out of affordable socialist health care and into more defense spending. Our brave patriotic men and women overseas deserve more advanced weaponry.
cheap and affordable auto insurance
cheap and affordable auto insurance
""Insurance Rates For '05-'09 Mustang GT, '02 WS6 Trans Am Ram Air And '02 Cadillac Eldorado?""
(thank you sooooo much for all answers to my previous question! It's a shame I couldn't shout thank you for pushing the vote button by mistake. I was a total noob here) As everyone recommended me to purchase a 4th gen Trans Am (hopefully the ram air of the final edition), with one person also picking the 05-09 Mustang GT out of my wishlist and my friend telling me to get a 92-02 Cadillac Eldorado, how much is the average of the insurance rates for each car? I'm 24, male, just graduated from college in Japan and have no driving history in America. I'm moving outta here in a year. My nationality is Japanese as well, which means I won't be trusted for a while. Sure my Japanese licence won't be valid in the US so I'll have to retake it over there hence no history... right? :/ Does anyone have a clue? Thanks a lot for reading :)""
Do you have to get insurance for just a learner's permit in california?
I just turned 15 and a half like 3 days ago and every time I bring up driver's ed or my learner's permit at all to my mom. All she says is No, I can't the insurance! All my friends are getting theirs and i've been waiting since I was like 5 to get my permit then my license (cuz my parents never let me even park the car and if I can drive I can actually go places) So is insurance needed for a permit and how much would it cost for a 15 year old male per month.""
Can I get car insurance for one month?
I need tags for my car and I have to have insurance. I can't afford more than 150 so does anyone know a good place I can go that would let me do one month or just somewhere that is cheap online that i can pay a little amount then cancel the rest?
Car insurance is soooo expensive is there an alternative???!!?
i am 17, i have a toyota carolla, and my dad tells me i have to pay him $200 a month for our unsurance which is carnall insurance. This is way too much for me too be paying, im not even 18, is there an alternative cheaper car insurance i live in the state of CT. Thanks.""
I have copd and no insurance.?
I cough almost constantly and always coughing up mucus. Some times its yellow or green, but mostly bubbly clear and has (looks like very small pieces of lung in it.) I'm scared that I am slowly dying. I'm tired all the time. Most of the time all I want to do is lay. My appitite is very poor, I seldom get hungry. I have lost weight and now only weigh 90 pounds. A little over a year ago I weighed 135. Insurance company's turn me down because of preexisting, copd, RH, Hodgekins, I don't know what to do. I can't afford $800 month insurance. I get friends to get prescriptions for albuterol and combivent. I started taking pills (hydrocodone) as they help me so I can breathe normal so I can work. I can get insurance through my new job in 90 days.""
If i have insurance on my driver s license do i have to have insurance on my car in Maine?
I am now told that it is mandatory for me to have insurance ON my license... does that mean I need it on my car as well?? I could use all the help I can get on this. THANK YOU!
Insurance salvage cars?
i want to buy salvage and damaged cars from insurance companies which have been written off. I understand that salvage yards do this. does anyone now how i can buy written off cars from insurance companies
Equity Indexed Universal Life Insurance - pros/cons?
I am looking at using this financial vehicle. Does anyone have any experience with it? Good? Bad?
My first car notes and insurance?
i'm 16 and plan on getting A JOB BY MAY 2008. I wanna buy a USED CAR at least a 1997 model -2000 model. Do you think I can afford the car note? Could i possibly get on my mom's insurance plan to make it cheaper for my car to be insured or am I just putting myself up for a future of bad credit??????
How can you get a car insurance estimate if you don't own a car and never have?
I just got my license a few months ago and may get a job in an area that is difficult to get to by public transportation. I want to find out how much it would cost me (roughly) for car insurance but I don't have a car (yet) and most sites I've found ask me a lot of vehicle information. How can I get a rough estimate for insurance, so I can figure out if it's even feasible for me to get a car. Thanks!""
Insurance quote?
hey, for school i have to know what an insurance quote is and none of the sights i go to will give me any information. so can you help me? what is an insurance quote and for what kind of insurance? all of them?""
Sites of the insurance quotes reliable?
http://www.education-house.com/insurance/index.html
What is car insurance for a first time driver?
Okay i am 18 and have never had my license before and am going to be getting it at the end of this month...soon we are going to start getting insurace quotes for my car, we have been talking about what would be the best way to go about getting the cheapest insurance...so would it be best to put the car in my name but then just be added to my parents insurance and have me as the primary driver OR would it make a difference if we put the car in one of my parents name and then had me listed as the secondary driver for the car ? OR maybe you know a better way to go about this please give me all the advice you know about this! thanks""
Best Home/Condo Insurance Companies?
I am looking to obtain insurance for my condo in British Columbia, and was wondering if someone could recommend the best company to with. Currently I am just familiar with BCAA who ...show more""
What should i expect to receive for a 1997 saturn sl1 from an insurance campany after total?
i have a 1997 saturn sl1 that has 122,000 miles on it, power door locks, aftermarket component speakers, tinted windows, automatic, power steering, A/C. i was rear ended and the the body shop told me totaled. now im waiting for the insurance to pay me for the car and make an offer. does anybody have an idea what i should expect. this was a reliable car, i drive this car everywhere, it was supposed to get me to school everyday when i start college and my school is about 10 miles each way. i just dont want a low ball offer where i cant purchase a car thats going to get me to college everyday when i dont have a job. what is the average for this car, in great shape. will they pay for the speakers, the starter i just replaced 2 weeks ago""
How much will insurance be for a 19yr old with a 93 toyota tercel in NYC?
Im 19yrs old and i have my own job, im very responisble and independent. Im saving up for a 93 toyota tercel or honda civic, which will be in the 2000-3000 dollar range. The only problem is finding insurance that I can pay on my own. Unfortunately my mother will not put me on her insurance,so im looking for inexpensive auto insurers in which I can afford about 200-250 a month. Im not looking for full coverage,just whats whatever's needed in the state of new york. Im a very responsible young man and not at all into being reckless or showing off to people. I just want a chance to have my first safe and reliable car. Thank you""
How much should I pay for a1967 Chevy Impala?
Basically, I want this car. How much (ball park figure, estimates, exact prices, whatever) wwould it set me back? Just the car itself, mind. I'll handle the tax and insurance, etc myself. And no, its not because of Supernatural.""
Where can i find affordable health insurance for my wife so that she may quit work and start her own business?
She is a teachers aide now, has retired but still works b/c she won't have insurance is she quits.""
What's the average cost of life insurance? -per month?
What's the average cost of life insurance? -per month?
Where can I get laibality insurance for a medical assistant?
I am looking for insurance to covoer myself for Medical assistant
How much will be my car insurance for new or used car?
I am planing to buy a car.I am thinking to get a new one but i am afraid of high price for its insurance.I am a new driver,till 25 years old,no driving experience,NJ.I need a professional advice,please. Maybe to buy a used one is a good idea but the new car is less headache.:)""
How insurance affects life of people?
i need it for my project so plz give me brief inforamtion
Register a car in CA. you must have car insurance or your breaking the law ?
New Laws in CA????? Help , Can Someone tell me About this New laws in Cal about you have have to have car Insurance?, I thought that that was already a law? Was it?? And if you regiester a car in CA. you must have car insurance or your brecking the law ? True or false ?????""
Can i get plastic surgery without having insurance?
I'm 18 years old and my parents insurance covers me. If im paying in cash do i have to know their insurance info?
Will my liability car insurance cover another car?
Okay, so the brakes of my car aren't functioning pretty well. So it stayed at a shop. Meanwhile, I am driving my mom's car. But its not insured. Will my insurance cover her car if anything? I reside in state of Texas.""
cheap and affordable auto insurance
cheap and affordable auto insurance
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/state-farm-car-insurance-people-jose-white/"
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[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend
i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)
ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.
then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.
anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.
its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.
sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!
so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.
neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!
anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad
like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!
anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.
Hey there!
There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.
You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.
At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.
I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.
As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.
This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.
You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.
I hope this helps!
♥ - Fawn
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